FUNNIES

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in 
bed with another men."Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the
world." "it's alright for u to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came 
home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"The fella
ponders for a moment, then sys, "I'd break his cane and kick his 
seeing-eye dog in the ass."
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An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.

 "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000." the lawyer said. "but why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to

become a lawyer?"

That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days laer, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside,
making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that 
this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please,
before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly
before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,

"One less lawyer..."

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The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes." 
The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide." 
The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the 

back?" 
The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?" 
The Interior Designer -who tells her "once it's inside,you'll LOVE it!" 
The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll         

lose interest!" 
The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always

shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her 

"Keep quiet and lie still!" 

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Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady

luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead 

over her opponents. She even managed to winthe game but,

unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could 

ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following 

day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove  them

home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the

answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will 

probably look like garbage tomorrow. "Relax honey," her 

husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK." Ten minutes

after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys 

and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane

asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." After

an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very 

wide and wicked grin." Honey,I managed to get tomorrow's 

question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly."OK. 

The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male

anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and    the

penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease,

plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m., however,

Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the   

quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis,"

Jane replie groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger 

asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was

brushing her  teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it

was that Jane was onceagain on the set of the  quiz

show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she 

could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the

host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' 

events, faced Jane and asked the big question." Jane, for

$65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? 

You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! 

Four seconds." "I, uhh,ooooooohh, darn!

My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the

tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough!" said

the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!" 

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die". 
1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
    him off to work in a good mood.
2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
    put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
    to work.
3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
    burden him with household chores.
4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
    his every whim. 
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.
"You're going to die," she replied.